An Englishman Abroad - Chapter Twenty-One
As I got back it seemed to be finishing. The Shaman was clearing the powders. Buffy was crying but looking up at me. I looked at the Shaman and he nodded to me. I ran straight over to Buffy and she threw her arms around me. I held her and let her cry it out.
As I stroked her hair I looked up at the Shaman. He said, "she'll be ok now. Take as long as you need. I need to go back and check on your witch friend. When you are ready return." I nodded and he walked away.
We stood there for a long time. She eventually calmed and gave me a brave smile. I asked her, "wanna talk about it pet?" Know it’s not her thing to talk, but I do think it'd help.
She surprised me. She nodded and motioned for us both to sit down. Think it's taken a lot out of her. So we sat back down under our tree, facing each other, our hands gripped tightly together.
She started. "Still processing it all. Not sure I'm gonna be coherent Buffy but I'll try. Some of it wasn't too bad. Relived the epiphanies I've already had over and over again. With the Shaman in my head making sure I understood their meanings, over and over again. Felt the pain, made the connections. Felt again how hungry I felt as a vampire, when that kid made peoples nightmares come true. How I wanted to eat my friends. You lived with that and still cared for me, and for Dawn. How did you do that?"
"Awkward sod me pet. Always have been. You were a vampire? And I missed it?"
"Before you came to Sunnydale, Spike. That was just the first, and not the worst. The worst..the worst was…I was you when you were taken by Glory. Everything she did to you, everything you felt, I felt it. What I said to you afterwards, and how I forgot it. And how I never said "Thank You.""
"Don't have to pet. Didn't do it for that." I hate she had to go through that. Bloody hated going through it. Never would have wanted her to.
"Over the last hours I relived sending Angel to hell to save the World, and knowing I had to do it. I knew death and the threat of it, and that I wanted to live and to love. I felt every man I loved leave me, and I learnt it wasn't all my fault, it takes two, and sometimes it only takes one, whose not me. I even had Angel turn human and take back the day without even asking me, because he couldn't take not being the big strong hero. That one hurt, a lot.
I got taken through all my relationships and how I hurt Giles, Dawn and everyone, and how I shut down. I've been torn open again, I feel raw. But I feel. I felt every blow I inflicted in you in that alley, like it was me, and how you felt, then and later.
The First Slayer and her advice - that was fun on repeat. It seems I got her wrong. You’re my gift. Of course saving the multiverse was still a good thing, but apparently if you me and Dawn had nicked that Porsche you fancied we’d have outrun Glory." She gave me a half smile half grimace.
"We live and learn pet. Well unlive here I guess. Can’t change stuff, can just move on, make the best of things. Some things I'd change in a non-existent heartbeat but being re-tuned, nope I'll keep that. If I'd nicked the Porsche maybe we wouldn't be here both all epiphanied up. Maybe we'd have killed each other. Who knows the way we both were. We gotta chance now. Don't we pet?"
She kissed me lightly on my closed lips. I think my eyes nearly burst out of their sockets as I leant back and looked at her. She said "We do, I think we do, now."
I thought that kiss she gave me after Glory did her little exploratory surgery couldn't be topped. Knew I was wrong that moment in the collapsing house. This was better. No "what you did was gross", no seeing me for a moment and kicking me into touch, virtue fluttering, the next morning. It was only a peck on the lips, but she wasn't looking at me like I was something to be scraped off her shoe. She was looking at me, eyes wide, some bewilderment in them, warmth too, but mostly she was seeing me. It's all I've ever really wanted.
Ok yes, I do want the 5 hours straight. I want us to hire videos and never get to see them coz we got otherwise occupied. I want dinner and a movie. Hell! I want us to go to Dawn's graduation ceremony together as her very strange parental units. I want everything, the whole kit and caboodle. I'm not a saint. I'm me. I've been re-tuned. It's the best thing that's happened to me. To tell the truth part of me was scared shitless about what going to Africa might do to the real me. But now I'm not fighting myself, I've got a chance at making things right. But mostly what I've always wanted is love, and most of all for her to love me. Looks like I might have a chance now. And that, that's one sweet feeling.
But after the floods of tears and oceans of pain we've been through to get to this point I am not gonna screw things up now. Not at this point; no way no day. Slow and steady it is. Besides gotta to get back, still got a Rupert and Anyanka missing in action. So I brushed away the last tear from her face with my thumb, smiled at her, and said, "ready to go back pet?"
She smiled back and nodded. She took my arm as she was still feeling, and looking a bit wobbly after all the epiphanising process. I couldn't be happier to provide it. Well I could, but not right now.
We walked slowly back to the village, stopping every now and then for her to catch a rest. Of course she wouldn't admit that's what it was, but I've never known her be into bird watching before. Me? Yes in the period after Dru dumped me, but that was a totally different type of bird. And look what that ended up landing me with? Not one of my prouder moments, that. But these birds were very pretty to look at. Dru would have loved their bright colours, but at least these ones were free and not about to starve to death in a cage.
On the third let's look at the pretty birdies break she asked where Giles was. Of course I had to tell her. I'm not about to start lying to her now. Never was any bloody good at it anyway. So I had to tell her. Then of course she starts crying, saying it's all her fault, that she's always taken Giles for granted, never been there for him like he was for her, and that if Anya suffers for what she's done to help her she won't be able to forgive herself.
All of which leaves us huddled together, her crying, me soothing, whilst worrying my guts out myself.
Eventually we both reach equilibrium, look at each other and both say, "The Shaman, he can get us to them right?" At which we both snort at the brain sharing and I say, "too bloody right luv! Ready to hit Arashmahar?"
She nodded, we stood up, and she did the worst impression of an English accent since Dick Van Dyke in Mawy Pawpins and said, "too bluuddy wyte me ol chynna."
"My ears, my ears! I'm storming Arashmahar on my own unless you promise never to do that again."
Buffy gave me her battle grin and said "no way buster! My Watcher! I go too! But I promise, if I get to choose you some new clothes. Still feeling guilt from blowing yours up, from epiphany phase 12 here".
"Nothing poofy? Got re-tuned, not turned poncy."
"Nothing poofy, maybe a little colour?"
"Ok pet, for you, anything, but you know that."
"I do." Then she stood up straight put on General Buffy and said "Ready mon Capitaine?"
I looked at her, tilted my head and said, "Casablanca?"
She gave a little sniff, bit her lip and said, "Mum's favourite."
"Lady always had great taste!" Always liked Joyce.
"Dunno? She liked you." Buffy said as she swatted my arm.
"As I said, great taste, great lady that, miss her."
"Me too Spike, me too." She started crying again. Poor girl never really got to grieve for her mum, what with Glory and everything. The Epiphany must have probed that wound again. Least she gets to cry it out properly this time. So I just hold her and let her.
Once she'd cried it out she looked up at me and said "I'm all soggy again, and I've made you all soggy."
"Birds of a feather pet, that's us. We should both start carrying handkerchiefs at this rate!"
She smiled and said "Speaking of handkerchiefs! Onward the rescue squad, even if it’s a bit damp, well a lot damp."
This time we made it back to the hut. Not sure how long we'd been away. Must get that watch.
The Shaman was there, but not Giles nor Anyanka.
Buffy starts to demand he open a portal to Arashmahar, so she could go and retrieve her errant watcher and his demonic girlfriend.
Fortunately, before she could either get blasted back to SunnyD, or get a portal actually opened, there was the tell- tale shimmering of the air and both appeared.
They had changed into clean clothes, and had even more luggage with them. Can see who gets to carry it too!
Buffy launched herself at Giles alternately swatting and hugging him saying, "your all right, your all right! We were coming to rescue you!"
Her hugged her back. "No need for rescue. Charming folk, very helpful, very interesting, sorry you were worried Buffy, but we're ok. How are you, that's the important thing."
"All new, all improved, all epiphanied Buffy, all here. And happy Buffy you're ok. We worried, you know! Don't do it again, please?"
"We'll try not to Buffy" said the Watcher, hugging her. I turned to Anyanka and she nodded back to me that they were both all right. Can breathe again, well when I want to smoke or talk anyway.
So I lit up and had a well needed fag.
Once Buffy and Giles were untangled I looked pointedly at the luggage. Giles looked at it and said. "D'hoffryn has kindly supplied us with top of the range trekking gear for our little expedition to Shambala. Saves us some wishes, as I'm sure we're all aiming to be lower in the whole pain reserves thing."
Anyanka perked up "And I get to go with you all as long as I'm needed to stop these genocide promoting bigots. No need to go off for jobs even if I'm summoned. Hallie's promised to cover for me. So I get to be with Rupie! Oh and you two as well! But I prefer being with Rupie."
Inquiring vamps just gotta know. "So you got the thumbs up then Rupert?"
"Quite, and I'm sure you'll get the story out of me over a beer in Kathmandu. But right now we're going to have to leave." He turned to the Shaman and they hugged each other. Buffy waited 'til they'd finished and said her thank you. I went next. Well what do you say. Guy saved my unlife, saved me. What can you say? Except, "Thank You."
Shaman smiled at us both and said we were welcome and he looked forward to seeing us again. Told us all he'd do his best with Willow, but there weren't any guarantees. She needed to want help. Giles joined us in thanking him for everything. Anyanka pointed me towards the luggage, both old and new. This time super strong Buffy helped though. We took the bags between us. Anyanka opened a portal.