An Englishman Abroad - Chapter Eighteen
One portal later we are back in the Shaman's village. Same timezone, or near enough as makes no difference. So still sunny and bloody hot. Still feels strange not to have to duck for cover, but to have the sun touch my skin.
***
Buffy starts hyperventilating. "Giles, Spike, Anya, I don't think I can do it. I'm not ready!"
Giles looks at her, pats her arm, and says "It'll be ok. I won't let anyone hurt you. You'll be fine, better than you are now." I'd give her a pat too, but my arms are already full with enough shopping to keep Imelda Marcos out of mischief.
"It's not that Giles. I trust you. I trust all three of you." That's brought tears to my eyes, and through the tears I can see it's had the same effect on Giles. Anyanka's looking a bit puzzled. Think this Buffy is a bit of an abrupt change for her, after the way those two have butted heads in recent years.
Buffy continued. "It's not any epiphany. Not scared of that. You think I need it. Hey, you saved my life all of you, not for the first time either. You say I need it I do it. It's…it's Willow. She's here right? Not sure I'm up to that…not right now. Still love her. She's my best friend. But, I saw her skin someone alive! She tried to end the World! She tried to kill me, and my sister. How do I deal with that?"
My turn I guess. I put the bags down, dirt be dammed. Put my hands on her shoulders and looked her in those big eyes. "Buffy, I know this is hard. It's gonna be hard for her too. She's done some unforgivable things. That's bloody hard to live with, know that one. But so did I. You found it in your heart to forgive me. And I thank every deity that may or may not be out there that you did. Most of all I thank you."
She was getting it. I could see that in her eyes. She reached up a hand and rested it on mine, and gave me a half smile. I'm a lucky sod. Know that. But I had to continue, before I lose my nerve. For her sake, for mine, and most of all for Red. God knows I'm in no position to throw the first stone. "Maybe you can do it again, for her. Only when, and if, you are ready, luv. No pressure, no hurry. But when you are ready we'll be there for you. Besides that was top quality mojo. Red might still be out for the count, might not be able to see her. Might be crashed out in a hut somewhere. Anyway, don’t need to face her 'til you want to, make sure of that one."
"She patted my hand. "Thanks, maybe later. Bear it in mind. Like the new improved Spike, he's a nice guy." Ok now I'm choking up.
Giles cleared his throat. "Not until you are ready and if you want to Buffy. If you all want to go into the bar I'll go and see Samuel, and work out the arrangements."
So I picked up the bags and escorted the ladies into the noisy bar. Anyanka took it in her stride of course. Probably a nice feeling for her to go somewhere with sensible drinking laws. Girl's been around since an era when babies drank beer, must have been hell to end up in a place where you have to be 21 to drink.
Buffy is back in full-on culture shock mode. There may be some risk of catatonia. The place is the anti-Bronze in so many ways. It’s a metal roofed big room, with a concrete floor, a noisy generator powering the beer stocked fridge and the loud local music. Everyone here is local and they're all looking at the return of the prodigal, and the two western girls. At least no Red, so that's on the back burner. So I seat the girls at a rough wooden table and head to the bar. Beer is a truly wonderful thing, and it's safer than the water, so I got us all one.
We were just finishing them when Giles returned. He got swallowed up in the crowd of his mates glad to see him return. After lots of back slapping and friendly ribbing in Swahili he got to our table. "Where's mine, you tosser?"
"Would have got warm Giles. Can't have that!" Well it's true!
"You're buying the next round! Ok, here it is. Spike, you take Buffy to the Shaman. You know where it is. Anya and I will take the bags to the guest hut, as I know where it is. We will set up and meet you back here. Don't worry. Willow isn't at the guest hut or the Shaman's. She is out still, and will be for some time. But she is fine. I looked in on her."
Buffy visibly breathed easier at that. But still looked nervous at going to see the Shaman right now. "S'ok pet. Gonna be fine. Come on. Sooner it's done, sooner it's over." She nodded and stood up.
"See you later Giles." I opened the door for Buffy, and we walked on up the track. Both having too much to think about to talk right now. Only a few days since this was me. Now it's her, and she's gotta be nervous. I am, for her. But got confidence in this bloke. Knows his stuff. Gonna be all right.
***
One of the hardest things I've ever done that was. Leaving her there. But sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it. So I did. Left her with the Shaman and walked slowly back to the bar and, hopefully, company. Don't feel like being alone right now. Been alone too long. Even with Dru.
It had been raining here while I'd had been away. The grass was lush, the clay was sticky against my boots and it was bloody humid. But the sheer life force in the crater was still here. Appropriate really, gave me a re-birth in every way that matters, now hopefully it'll do it for her.
***
Got back to the bar, got a beer and slumped down at a table. Tried to focus on just about anything than what was going on in the Shaman's hut. Surgical removal of the beer label…nope…too easy. The whole chatting to the locals thing. World Cup, England, Cameroon, Nigeria, Becks foot…check could manage that. Nope heart just wouldn't be in it. Not sure I'm glad or not that Giles and Anyanka aren't back yet. Not sure I'm up to making conversation at all. But it's certainly taking 'em a while to come back. Unless the hut is somewhere back in Arusha. Settled for contemplating the music. Always been able to lose myself in the music - well the twenties, and I've lost myself in some of the best over the years.
Half the bottle, and some good music, later a rather rumpled Giles and Anyanka re-entered the bar. Nice to see some people having fun. But we all cope with stress in different ways. Know some of mine haven't always been that smart. But getting better at it. Even slowing down the boozing it up. Would have done a few less dumb things if I'd done it before. Know that, not stupid, just never had anything not pushing me towards the next bottle of magic fluid before. At least I still don't have to worry about the ol' liver. So brightside, conversation Spike, can do it if I try real hard.
"Watcher, Anyanka, got us some nice comfy beds then?" He blushed. She just nodded. Now old me would have got a few more digs in. This one just gets the promised next round of beers in. I'll get there.
"Spike, if you want to get some rest, I'll show you where the hut is" from a Giles who was looking at me with some understanding and compassion.
Half smile, half grimace from me. "Thanks, but couldn't sleep. Gotta be here, gotta be here if she needs me, gotta do it, no question."
"Know the feeling. Never easy to wait while those you care about suffer." As Giles said that Anyanka gripped his hand, and smiled at him. He smiled at her and continued, "but usually it's worth it."
"How long was I out? Think it'll be the same? In two stages like me?" A bloke would like some answers after all.
"Yours was different from mine. Hers will be different again. Each according to their ability and their needs, and all that."
Well pegged his politics right anyway. But curiosity cat an all that rot. Have to know more about his epiphany. Take my mind off things. "So tell us Watcher. Inquiring demons wanna know?"
"Oh yes Rupie, Do, please?" Anyanka was positively bouncing in her seat in anticipation, like a big kid wanting a story.
***
I was surprised; he acquiesced. Guess he wants to take his mind off what's happening to Buffy too. "Short version, edited to protect the innocent. I told you Spike he helped me after Eyghon. It's true he did. Helped bring me back from the edge. Never wanted to do heavy magic again. Wouldn't have been able to anyway, I'd opened up too many holes in myself, and if I'd made a habit of it...well wouldn't have been pretty. Occasional light stuff no worries. Samuel helped me see a purpose outside of demon summoning, hedonism, juvenile delinquency, and the hard stuff.
More importantly though, he helped me after what Ethan and I did to Randall. You may have heard some of this from Buffy, I don’t know. But Randall was taken whole by Eyghon, and we had no convenient vampire to force him into, even if we'd have been sober enough to think of that option. We killed him. He was one of our best friends, but we be-headed him. At that point it was the only choice we had. You cannot know how glad I am Buffy didn’t have to do that to Willow. It nearly destroyed me. I couldn't let it happen to her too. It did destroy Ethan and me. He never really faced up to what we did. He embraced Chaos to deny it, and I tried to find redemption in the family calling. He hated that I did that. He enjoys tormenting me, I think, so he can still deny what we did, make it go away in the rush of chaos."
"Hence the Fyrrl demon?" from me remembering the fun of trashing Giles car, and the happy memory of a demon Giles chasing that scientist bitch.
"Quite. Anyway that was before he became the Guardian. When I was researching the source of the slayers, watchers, and even the key, it struck me I should come here. We had kept in touch over the years. Christmas cards an all. So I came and he introduced me to the Mother. She showed me the past. She also sealed the damage I'd done to myself, by the black magic Ethan and I did together during our irresponsible period. Now I can cast again without opening myself to darkness. Which was good. As you saw. The rest…the rest is private." At which he stopped and Anyanka patted his hand. I got him another beer, poor bloke looked like he needed it.
Well what do you say? Not much you can do really. Just be there for each other I suppose. Failing that, buy the bloke a beer and give him a friendly light puch to the arm. Then be British and move the topic to football.
So we moved on to lighter topics and put some more beers away for a few hours. Then a boy arrived and spoke something in Swahili to Giles.
"Buffy and Samuel are at the guest hut. We should join them. Ready?" he translated. So we left the noisy bar to the quiet hut on the edge of the village.