Chapter Six

 

----====Spike====----

The room was set up for a true English breakfast the like of which I hadn't seen for decades. The sideboard was laden with steaming heaps of goodies. There were piles of bacon, eggs scrambled and fried, Arbroath smokies, kedgeree, baked beans, juicy bangers, and heaven upon heaven - black pudding and fried bread. There was porridge too, but that had unpleasant childhood memories, along with Brussels sprouts, and so had not appeared on my list of 'Spike's fave foods he's missed while being in the States'.

The table itself had the tea and coffeepots in the centre, along with the spreads and the toast. The staff was absent and it was the good old 'help yourself to brekky' I remembered from many years past. I found us a spot strategically placed close to the sideboard and refills. Being the first down had its advantages, not least the fact the food was still hot. I piled our plates high, served my lady hers, and sat down to tuck in.

Buffy took one look at the plate of fried goodness and whimpered, "Cholesterol! Cholesterol bad! Are you trying for your third Slayer?"

"Got the only one I want the way I want her, nice and tasty, luv." I waggled my eyebrows at her and tore a piece of the fried bread and dipped it in the scrambled eggs.

Well I had. I got ordered off to the bathroom last night to 'get rid of the booze breath' but my girl had had as little ability to refuse to try out a four poster bed as we'd had in not joining the mile high club on the plane. Both were superb in their own ways, but I know I needed the cuddle room the four poster offered more.

Buffy said, "But not fat! And look at it! I can feel it heading for my hips just by me looking at it."

"Very nice hips, pet. Besides, if I had to try Thanksgiving pumpkin pie whilst having flashbacks to 'attack of the mutant flesh eating pumpkins', you can try my country's national institution - the Full English Breakfast."

"The pumpkins were a lot less dangerous. I'm surprised the pilgrims didn't sink!"

"Built an Empire on it, my sweet."

"That was to get away from the cooking!" Buffy sniffed, but did nibble the bacon.

"The land of Elvis has no room to throw stones, pet."

"And what's this?" She wrinkled her adorable nose at the Arbroath smokie."

"A kipper, luv."

"As in 'smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast' on Xander's Red Dwarf tapes?"

"Yeah."

"But what is it?"

"Smoked fish. Bloody great from what I remember. Always liked it before."

She looked at me quizzically. "For breakfast? Seriously?" I nodded. She continued, "From before?" I nodded again. She looked contemplative. "Tell me more, about before, about you?"

My heart is still, but she does things sometimes that make it do backflips. She also rips it out of my chest without the benefit of an anaesthetic on occasions, like she did last night, but she's worth it. I grinned and tore a piece off the kipper and said, "I can do better than that." I fed her the fish slowly and then she licked the last traces off my fingers.

She was sucking on my fingers when Giles and Anya came in. Buffy went bright red, stopped and squeaked, "Hi, Giles, Anya." Giles looked like he wanted to take off his glasses to clean them, and muttered, "Morning, both of you."

I covered up the embarrassment by grabbing the teapot and saying, "Shall I be mother?"

Giles said, "Only in my very worst nightmares." But he did accept the tea as he helped Anya into her chair. Then he put her some bacon and eggs on her plate and gave it to her, and I passed her the toast. Giles took the opportunity to pile up a fried feast on his own plate. He sat down and started to tuck in.

Anya took a look at the fried bread, sausages, bacon, and the fried egg and said, "You do realise you aren't eating for the rest of the week when we get home? Your son is going to have a father without a heart condition."

I swallowed the last of my kipper and said, "He couldn't have a better one."

Giles blushed and Anya said, "I know, brains and ruggedly handsome good-looks from his father. But it's a good thing that our son will get his common sense from his mother - and his dietary habits."

Buffy was about to speak when Dawn came in, yawning. She stumbled into the seat next to Buffy, who poured them both a cup of coffee. Dawn took a sip and perked up, "Caffeine-y goodness, come to mama."

Buffy smiled and said, "One cup only, or you're as bad as Willow after her second mocha."

Giles asked, "How is Willow doing when not on stimulants? I can't always tell from her e-mails."

"Better, really," Buffy replied.

Anya put down her fork and said, "So not destroying property, my ex-property for example, anymore?"

Buffy frowned. "No. Doing the good thing, fighting the good fight, being careful and guarding the Hellmouth with Xander and Clem so we could get away." I could see Buffy was about to un-sheath her claws when Dorothy entered, nodded to her subjects, and took a position at the head of the table.

Angel entered with a yawning Connor in tow, and they took their seats.

Dorothy picked up her plate and passed it to Dawn saying, "I'll have a little of everything, and you'll need a hearty breakfast inside you if you're coming to the stables with me."

Buffy started, "Dawn, horses, not mixy things. So not mixy things. No horses. Dogs yes, if far away from Spike, but horses - a big snorting dangerous world of no."

Dawn flushed bright red, and Dorothy snorted, "Nonsense. Of course she's coming. Do the girl a world of good. So breakfast, Dawn." Connor snickered at Dawn carrying the two plates as he took his own plate to the sideboard and filled up on the fried meats and eggs. She glowered at him.

Wesley and Lilah entered to his mother's, "You're late."

Lilah smirked, "Warming up for the honeymoon. Gotta build up to the big finish. Not that some of us need it."

Dorothy poured herself a cup of tea. "Quite, but then my son is still 98.6, unlike some. I really don't know how the Chosen One could chose room temperature, and not once but twice I believe."

Buffy went to stand up and break Dorothy's nose - going by her usual response to aggravation. While it was really tempting to let her do it, it would have spoilt the wedding photos if I had. Best Man duty being as it was, I gripped Buffy hard and kept her in place. I forced my 'most charming hunting smile' on my face and said, "Taste, the second time around at least. Good taste, Dorothy." Angel, being the complete tosser he is, just brooded rather than doing anything useful for either my girl or anyone else.

Anya crunched a piece of toast, and then said, "Gee, honey, I'm really glad your mother's dead." Rupert just looked at her. "No, no, no, I don't mean I'm glad your mother's *dead,* it's just --"

Dorothy's thin eyebrows rose. Giles said, "Have some more toast, dear."

The staff came in with fresh tea and coffee. Dorothy looked down her nose at Angel and his empty plate. "Not eating, Angelus?"

He looked at his plate and then at her. "I don't."

She turned to the servants and said, "Bring the health drinks for our two pale guests." They nodded and left.

Buffy looked at Angel and said, "I often wonder about that now. I mean, Spike eats like a pig." I hated her using the 'p' word to describe me, but I'd given up expecting her to stop.

Lilah snickered, "And he's certainly eaten a lot of pigs, a few cows. Maybe it's best to stick to pig over here - can't have our souled vampires with mad cow disease now can we." Buffy glared at her.

Wes smiled awkwardly, "It's all pig in the fridge. No risks for either of my friends."

Lilah, clearly not being one to allow a possible wound to go un-probed, said, "It is strange though - considering the huge amount of food Spike's just consumed. Why don't you eat, Angel?"

Angelus peeked out from Angel's eyes. "Spike was always deliberately difficult."

Buffy didn't get it. I did, unfortunately for me, at both stages of my unlife. I narrowed my eyes and tried to scratch back. "Some of us just like to think outside the box, mate. And can. It's how I got my soul, minus the stupid happiness clause."

I ran my fingers down Buffy's arm. "And how I got a lot better." She saw the pain flash in Angel's eyes and batted my arm away, which hurt me. I tried to not let that show, and so I continued to Wes, "Besides, lots of nice tasty corpuscles in my black pudding, and I get the good stiff cuppa to go with it." I speared it with my fork, and took a bite of the black blood goodness, as my girl would put it, if she ate it.

Dorothy grimaced and said, "Really."

Dawn had been eating her way through her plate quietly trying to avoid any more orders from Dorothy or embarrassment in front of the Boy Wonder, I suppose. But she stopped and pointed at the circle of black pudding on her plate like it had sprouted horns. "Is that blood? Eww."

I took another bit, "Certainly is, pet. Just more solid than the contents of the fridge back home."

Connor piped up. "I like this. It tastes good."

"Oh My God, that is so gross!" Dawn grimaced at him.

"Just blood pudding, pet. Lovely stuff." I said.

"This country caters for vampires?" Buffy asked.

Giles finished his. "It's a national delicacy, Buffy."

"Yes, and one you're not allowed very often, remember? Blood taste," said Anya.

"Oh, the taste of blood can be peachy in the right circumstances," Lilah smiled, licking her lips.

"Not as much as for some," Dorothy said looking at me and the Poof.

Anya buttered her toast, "No, I probably win. Seniority and all that, even if I did a Clinton and didn't inhale."

The maid arrived and placed two long glasses of blood in front of me and Peaches. She said, "Your 'health drinks' sir," with the level of disdain only achievable after years in domestic service. Then she left.

I supped mine then refilled my cuppa. Angel poured himself a fresh coffee and went to top up Buffy's cup. I growled. She glared at me, but did say, "No, I'm ok. No super-caffeination for this girl. I'll leave that to the Brits."

Ok, so me and my fellow countrymen, and woman, had been pouring the tea down our throats. "Sorry, pet, it's genetic. Big fried brekky, gotta have the tea to wash it down."

Wes downed his cup and re-filled it, "The Best Man is quite right, it is." Ok, I may have smirked at Angel at the 'Best Man' reference. I deserved it.

It hit home. Angel slipped into brood face - which admittedly was the default mode of expression.

Anya smiled at Wes and said, "At least you have a mission orientated Best Man who won't let the groom 'do a runner' - that is the right term isn't it, Spike?" I nodded.

Lilah smirked, "He wouldn't dare."

Anya smiled, "No, and if he did I could always have Rupert hunt him down like a dog."

Lilah smiled at her, "That's so sweet. But you won't need to. Will she, Wesley?"

"Never, my love. The Matron of Honour's duty will be restricted to helping you with the dress and the rest of the contents of the 'suitcase that I'm not allowed to open'."

Anya said to Lilah, "Later this morning? We can go through everything? I didn't have bridesmaids at my real wedding, but I understand that's how it works."

Buffy put her head in her hands.

Anya continued. "I've re-read all the wedding books. The ceremony will be perfect. And since I've already had sex with Spike, after the wedding that wasn't, I don't need to have sex with the Best Man, so that's one down already."

I put my head in my hands. Through my fingers I could see Angel, Connor and the Mother in Law from one of the worse hell-dimensions staring at me.

Anya added, "Not that I would again anyway, Rupert."

"So I should bloody well hope." He shovelled in a bite of food with some emphasis.

Lilah smirked at Dorothy and said, "More tea?"

Dorothy regrouped, scraped the marmalade thinly across her toast, looked at Wes and said, "Really, you are far too thin. Doesn't that woman feed you?"

"Mother, I am able to feed myself. I have been for some years," Wes replied.

"You haven't had a proper breakfast. Some toast won't do the job; you need something more substantial inside you. Look, even William is eating, even if your other 'friend' isn't. And where's your green friend? Rather bad manners not to turn up for breakfast."

Wes visibly perked up, and I could see the switch to Exposition! Knowledgeable! Wes! "Lorne is Pylean, they have two suns. It seems that the circadian body clock effects of jet lag hit them far harder than humans, since we only have one sun to adapt to. I spoke to him last night and he was taking a pill to sleep so he could adjust overnight rather than taking days to do so. Sorry, I forgot to give his apologies."

Dorothy snorted - the well-bred type that takes generations of inbreeding to produce.

Angel tried to be charming and take Dorothy's ire from Wes by focusing it back on him. "Thanks for the concern about me eating, but I'm happy with my drink."

Wesley turned to him and spoke in a low voice, "You've hardly touched it. Is everything all right?"

Angel sighed melodramatically, as bloody usual, "I was just thinking about Cordy."

Wes sighed, "Yes, she would have enjoyed herself here."

Angel did 'stoic', "Yeah, she'd have loved it. She'd have tried to talk some sense into the groom and kill the Best Man."

Buffy raised her head. "Nobody's killing the Best Man - unless it's me. I've been top of the list for years."

I grinned at her. "You can top any time, luv."

She went red, as did pretty much everyone except Dawn who went "Uh, what?" and was ignored, Connor, and Dorothy. Buffy also groaned and, on seeing the pain in Angel's face, returned to the head in hands position.

Angel tried 'dignified'. "I was remembering how Cordelia used to try 'cooking' my drinks. The cinnamon really didn't work, but it was a nice thought. She was so considerate. I miss her."

Buffy raised her head again. "Considerate? Cordelia? You miss her? And she used to put things in your blood." Jealousy flashed in her eyes and made them greener. "You never let me do that!"

I sighed. "You do it for me, luv."

She said, "No, you do that for yourself, especially if I don't keep you out of the spice rack."

I replied, "Burba weed still works best, but the Ladies said 'no' and what they say goes. So, what's a bloke to do?"

"Um, behave?"

"Always do, pet," Buffy snorted, and it did a Mexican Wave around the table.

Angel glared at me. "Only one way to ensure that happens."

Buffy looked between the two of us and glared at Angel, which was nice, then at me, which wasn't.

Dorothy said dryly, "It would make a mess of the wedding arrangements." She looked icily down her nose at Lilah and continued, "Which are sufficiently avant garde as they are."

"As it's my wedding... " said Lilah.

"Ours," Wes said. She smiled at him. "Our wedding, mother. So if you could bury your differences with our methods, I'd be grateful."

Dorothy gave him a glacial smile. "I'd be more than happy to *bury* my differences with Lilah."

Lilah gave her a crocodile smile in return. "As my construction company clients could tell you - I'm big with the *burying* of differences."

Wes gave an awkward smile since he'd clearly read the subtext. "Excellent, good. Thank you both."

Dorothy smiled like a shark - only minus the kittens. "You're welcome, dear, even if you are marrying," and with maximum contempt in a voice well accustomed to it, "an American."

Wes gave her an exasperated look. "Mother, please!"

"Oh dear, this isn't going very well. And it's my duty as Matron of Honour to ensure this wedding goes smoothly - with no interference from demons, of whatever source, whether former 'clients-slash-victims'," Anya said, and added with a glance at Dorothy, "or the forces of evil generally."

"Don't worry, Wolfram and Hart can manage that for me. Lots of perks, free gym membership, a HMO to die for - literally," Lilah snickered, "and a seventy-five percent discount on personal account assassinations."

"I can see that would be useful." Anya said looking again at Dorothy - who'd been struck uncharacteristically dumb for the moment at being baited in her own den.

Lilah glared at Dorothy. "And so tempting. But I'd rather use the money when we get to Louis Vuitton's. I do want some new luggage."

"The classic style?" Anya asked.

"God, no, far too many fakes around. No, I'm an Epi-Leather girl." Lilah said huskily.

Wes sighed and his heartbeat sped up. His mother glared at him. He said, "We need more belts too. Especially after that one broke... " The blush on his face and the scent coming off both Wes and Lilah told vampire senses all they needed on how they'd been broken.

"Mm... more durable ones certainly. But it was the Prada you bought me that broke, and the stitching's bad - it didn't take the strain well." Lilah said. Wes gave her a look that was one part embarrassment, two parts adoration.

Dorothy emptied her cup of tea and stood. "Dawn, if you want to come along to the stables you'll need warmer clothes. I'm going there now. Wesley, I will see you all later." At which she processed out of the room with Dawn in hot pursuit of teenage girl/horse bonding before Buffy could stop her.

 

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